You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
