Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
