it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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