Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
