I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
