my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
