I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
