I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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