Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
