GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
