so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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