New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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