At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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