it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
