I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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