bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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