Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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