i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
