dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize