He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you have to choose: penises or morals?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
