Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
