tell your sister to shave her snatch
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
