I wish I could teleport
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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