I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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