at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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