i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just gift wrapped bread.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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