Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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