'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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