Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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