STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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