yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
