The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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