So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
