Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
