some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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