Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wish my penis had a tongue
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
