i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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