i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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