I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
