Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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