Do you still have your period?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
