guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
