i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
