I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
