I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
