I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
