the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize