I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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