i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
