he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
