Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
