It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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