Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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