The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
