Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
