I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
