its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
