Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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