that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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