My underwear smells like fireworks.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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