Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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