hotel room ftw
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
